PANTS! When Pants Ruled
by poisonanon
Summary: APRIL FOOLS! A one-shot of a story I wrote for my school newspaper. Everything isn't what it seems when there are mass murders going about. The ultimate whodunit.


A/N: I wrote this for April Fool's day. And it was posted in my school's newspaper so we could freak out all the freshman. Last year I wrote a story about a horrendously insane homicidal maniac that escaped from an asylum. (Johnny C. of course) Obviously, my therapy sessions aren't working one bit. XD I think this is the greatest piece I've ever written, for the newspaper.

Now, try to find all the little montages I have in their. There's horror movie montages, obviously, Invader Zim montages, JtHM montages, and because of my lovely friend and editor, Harry Potter montages. CAN YOU FIND DEM ALL!!! POKEMON! :D

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After local police found the remains of seventeen-year-old girl, Katherine Burroughs, her body pulverized in a mess of bones and mushy red pulp, they have been searching effortlessly for the perpetrators of this horrible crime. Finally, after hours of police scans, late poker nights, and buckets of KFC chicken, police have finally apprehended a band of murderous psychopaths dressed as horror movie characters.

They were caught in an abandoned warehouse, playing what seemed to be "Serial Killer Role-Play", and although their costumes were horrible duplicates, the murderers seemed to believe that they WERE actual horror movie characters. Among them were the copycats of: Norman Bates, Charles Lee Ray, Leatherface, Hannibal Lector, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, and Freddy Krueger. When police stormed the place, an unusual occurrence happened. The pants attacked.

"The pants were somehow able to come to life. They jumped off the men and tried to strangle a few of us," states Officer Donald Thompson, "The men came out of a sort of a trance. But three guys, Freddy Jason, and Michael, fled from the scene, their pants manipulating them. We're expecting a hostage situation."  
Police took the four Pants into custody, and later found the Jason and Michael look -a-likes, pants-less in front of the station. Police assume a Freddy Krueger look-a-like is still loose, along with two pairs of pants, murdering anyone they can get their fabric on.

In intense study, scientist found something wrong with the murderers' pants.

"They seem to have some sort of radioactive property placed upon the once innocent cotton," states the late Dr. Neil Gordon, "It's also very rubbery."

Sadly, when Dr. Gordon tried to perform more extensive tests, the four pairs of pants came to life and killed him with their belt buckles. They escaped to wreak more havoc on potential pant-wearers. Reports on recent murders are flooding in, and citizens are claiming they have spotted blood-stained pants running away from the scene, or a man dressed as a horror movie character.

Police searched AGAIN for the murderers of Dr. Gordon and other Pants Victims, and they found that the Radioactive Rubber Pants' footsteps glowed in the dark at night. They traced the Pants' path to a house in the South El Monte Area: 1428 Springwood Street. Investigators discovered the truth about the pants: they were created in a basement by a young boy who lived in the house. Due to lack of interest, the boy's name was not given out. The boy (we'll call him Jimmy) created these murderous pants while trying to create weapons of mass destruction out of biodegradable washing-up liquid bottles and recyclable toilet rolls. He failed miserably but spilt his concoction on his jeans.

"I took them off because my [failed] creation made my pants rubber-like and they squeaked when they moved," Jimmy states, "It was really annoying."

According to Jimmy, once he turned his back for five seconds to turn on the washing machine, the pants came to life and threatened to kill him in a menacing voice, "I'LL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!", and it escaped by flying out the window, using a Superman t-shirt as a magic carpet.

Investigators began to wonder the creation of the other five pairs of pants. After many hours of debating, studying, and a game of charades, scientists concluded that it is 50% infection, and 50% MATING! The Alpha Pants is the original, and is distinctive by the Harry Potter like lightening bolt rip on its left knee-cap. Beware of the Alpha Pants. It is deadly and possesses an evil unlike the world has ever seen. It can also talk to snakes.

This epidemic is now being called The Mind-Control Murderous Mating Radioactive Rubber Pants Infection. For Pants. The pants seem to have mind-control powers, are able to support themselves without the need for legs and buttocks, and are out for human blood. They also seem to like horror movies, but that is just a theory.

Scientists and police would like to urge citizens to "Pants'd" their friends if they seem to behave in a strange manner, like dressing up as a horror movie character when it's not Halloween, and begin to slaughter people in a horrific fashion.


End file.
